Up in the sky, you
Are the harsh blue this June noon
Embracing my world.
And I would have you
Pick me up from this earth, eat,
Make me immortal.
Then I could with you
Roam the milky way at night
Shower stars on you.
See the world below:
Insignificant ant haunts-
And be assured
That no more am I
Cacophony, illusion,
But in heaven’s arms
I am pure as the
Gold grains rinsed from the waters
Of Subansiri.
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3 comments:
The imagery was vivid and beautiful. As a poem it was beautiful and complete. As a haiku, though, it was lacking.
You've obviously adhered to the 5-7-5 format which was devised for Onjis (Japanese equivalent for the english syllable). Modern English Haiku are written in any number of syllables without exceeding the 5-7-5. That's not a problem though. Just thought I'd tell you.
Back to the poem, the stark change in image that is usually a part of the 2nd line of the haiku is basically missing here.
There are many more technical aspects which you'd learn better from the following article:
http://allpoetry.com/column/show/423262
Good work!
thanks bhaskarrya..I'll check that
i like the mention of the Subansiri.. reminds me of the Subarnarekha back home where i grew...!
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